When Vegetables Attack
by OdeToANightingale
Summary: Or: What Really Happened During Neal's Ordeal of Knighthood.


_Disclaimer:_ Tamora Pierce's wonderful characters do not belong to me. I just like to borrow them now and then for some fun.

 _Note:_ So the Chamber of the Ordeal is supposed to make you face your biggest fears, right? And we all know what Neal dreads most in the world… So here's my humorous take on what his ordeal might have been like. _Dun dun dun…_

* * *

 _When Vegetables Attack_

The forest was quiet. _Suspiciously_ quiet.

And much too dark, thanks to the massive trees that loomed over Neal wherever he walked. There was something strange about them, too. What kind of trees had completely green trunks?

Neal inspected a tree more closely, then clapped a hand to his mouth in horror.

Those weren't trees at all. They were gigantic stalks of broccoli!

A breeze rustled through the massive broccoli, causing a shiver down Neal's spine. The breeze sounded strangely like… _words_. "Eat us, Neal," the voices whispered, caressing his ears. "Eat us! Eat us!"

 _NO!_ Neal thought frantically, fighting back a scream. _I have to get out of here!_

Thunder boomed overhead, stopping him in his tracks. When he craned his neck upward, he caught glimpses of dark clouds between the broccoli-leaves above. If luck was on his side, it would rain hard enough to wash the dreaded vegetables away.

The thunder boomed again, louder this time. Rain poured from the sky, forcing Neal to shield himself with his cloak… until he discovered that the rain was surprisingly dry. And surprisingly green.

 _Peas!_ he shrieked in his mind, fighting another scream. _Gods-blasted PEAS!_

The rainfall of peas fell faster, aiming for Neal's mouth. "We're delicious!" a chorus of tiny voices cried. "We're tasty! We're part of a balanced diet! Eat us eat us eat us—"

CRACK!

A bolt of lightning interrupted the peas, sending a yellow stream of corn kernels right at Neal. The corn-lightning struck him in the chest, knocking him to the ground. A violent shudder swept through his body, making him ill with fear. He thought the forest floor was made of leaves and grass, but instead it was asparagus and spinach!

The rainfall ceased. Neal sat up, brushing spinach leaves off his clothes, and hurried through the forest until the broccoli gave way to a field of dirt. Neal sighed with relief as he stepped onto the field. _No more broccoli. No more peas! If I ever get out of this gods-forsaken place, I swear I'm going to eat the biggest piece of choc_ —

A noise from behind made him jump. Something was climbing out of the dirt. Something… _evil_.

With horrifying speed, an army of carrots leaped out of the ground and charged at Neal, aiming their sharp ends toward him like sword points. Sweat poured down Neal's face as he ran, but still he didn't scream. He _wouldn't_ scream. The carrots chased him across the field, chanting, "Eat US! Eat US! Eat US!" until Neal feared he would go mad. Just when he reached the end of the field, his traitorous legs gave out, sending him tumbling to the ground. He rolled across the dirt, awakening several wicked potatoes, until he rolled right over the edge of a cliff.

And landed on something soft.

 _That was a close one_ , Neal thought, grateful that he was unharmed. _At least those carrots can't get me down here!_

"Oh, Neal," whispered a series of dreadful voices, as something green and horrible slithered over his body. "We're so glad you're here. Together at last!"

And that was when Neal realized his trouble had only begun. He had landed right in the middle of a salad!

He was truly caught. In a matter of moments, he was overcome by a tidal wave of lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, and cabbage, until he was trapped beneath a sea of vegetables. His vision went black. A massive drop of salad dressing went down his throat, choking him, and he thrashed about wildly until his limbs went still and his breathing grew ragged and everything was _vegetables_ —vegetables _everywhere_ —

Until the Chamber door opened, letting its victim stagger out into the real world at last. Neal blinked, trying to expel horrible visions of lettuce from his mind.

He had survived his Ordeal. The vegetables were _gone_. Grinning with relief and exhaustion, Neal made a beeline for Kel, wrapping his best friend in an embrace. The moment his lips were close to her ear, he gasped out a desperate demand:

"Get me the biggest cake you can find. _Now_."

 **END.**


End file.
